I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
