he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
