what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Pooping to opera.
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