I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
