Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
