I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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