You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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