matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
