Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
