Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I wish you could order shots online.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Randomize