so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He passed out mid-signature
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
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