erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
