I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
3 2 1 whiskey
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
