WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
