So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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