I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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