I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
