Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
