I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
