My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
