Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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