this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
