She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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