two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
God I need to hump something, right now.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
