What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
