I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
