I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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