Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
a search helicopter?!
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
