My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
