if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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