She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
