no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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