Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
