I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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