Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
