I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
