I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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