I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
