I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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