Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
