I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
