I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
