i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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