Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
