She's JV to your varsity
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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