Just fell off a train. Bad.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
