broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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