You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
