why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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