if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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