So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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